ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 13Part Thirteen: A Chapter of Errol Death
As night fell around the grounds of Hogwarts, and the remaining bits of day had to leap out of the way so as to avoid being hit, a mysterious figure lurked around the perimeter of the Forbidden Forest. It was Professor Errol, but he was wearing a cloak and a skull mask. Not to worry, children; Professor Errol had not become a Death Eater. He was merely wearing the skull mask because was trying to convince Deathbot that he was already dead. He was wearing the cloak because he was a wizard, but if you did not get that, then I will forgive you because I know that this story is painful and tedious and I expect that most people will tune it all out.
At this point, you should also know that Professor Errol was riding on a ride-on lawnmower. The reason for this, is that it is quite difficult to ride on top of a non-ride-on lawnmower. He wanted to be on top of the lawnmower, fo
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 12Part Twelve: Exposition Because I Have Writer's Block And Could Not Be Bothered To Come Up With A Sleeker Way To Do This
When the cloud of soothing peppermint oil dispersed, Xander and Halexus found themselves in an undisclosed location. Halexus wondered if Professor Vicks was plotting to murder them and sell their skins on wizard eBay, but a more upsetting truth soon prevented itself. Professor Bunny stepped out of the shadows. It was kind of his thing by this point.
"Professor Bunny!" said Halexus. "I thought I had killed you."
There was an awkward pause as Professor Bunny cautiously denied this claim. Halexus scrutinized his face to make sure that he was indeed being honest. Meanwhile, Professor Vicks consulted her list to make sure that she was precisely on target. She noticed that she was a good nine seconds ahead of schedule, so she counted to nine and then scribbled something on her list.
"Welcome and c
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 11Part Eleven: A Gratuitous Scene of Gratuitous Violence
In a wing of the castle that was secluded from everywhere else, behind a soundproof glass screen, Professor Bunny wandered around, minding his own business. A strange sound echoed in the distance. Professor Bunny stopped to listen, but when the sound did not repeat itself, he forgot about it.
A moment later, he heard the sound much closer. It sounded like a door swinging open. Professor Bunny looked around but saw nothing in the dark room with him. He considered turning into his animal form, so he would have much better hearing and be able to run away faster if need be. The sound of approaching footsteps distracted him from this thought. Then the phone rang.
"That is strange," said Professor Bunny. "There are no phone inside of Hogwarts."
And yet, there on the desk in front of him, lay a phone. The receiver jangled on its base with ev
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 10Part Ten: The Test
Deathbot rolled down the hall, AK-47 in hand. It snuck up on Professor Errol, who turned around while it was still taking aim.
"Oh, no you don't," said Professor Errol. He picked up the deathbot in two hands. The deathbot hummed for a moment, then nibbled on the gun until the entire weapon was crunched into tiny pieces. When Professor Errol was satisfied that the gun would never fire again, he set the little robot back down on the floor. He turned to continue down the hallway, and was shot in the back repeatedly. The gun may never have fired again, but deathbot had learned to spit bullets. It could make them come out of its mouth and one of its nostrils, and it was practicing for other orifices as well. In the meantime, this would have to suffice.
A little while later, three Slytherins made their way down the hall. They stepped over the bloody mess that was once Profess
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 9Part Nine: Okay, Now Back To The Quidditch
A wind picked, damn near blinding the players as their robes fluttered around. While wondering whose stupid idea it was to ignore the Incredibles' "No capes" rule, the players did their best to keep their eyes on the balls.
When Ashaberry and Iggity were able to get a clear view of the field, they both laid eyes on the same thing at the same time. It the was a tiny golden speck that they were both looking for. It wasn't the Golden Snitch though. It was the popcorn that A-chels and Morbid were sharing.
As Morbid reached for a golden buttery handful, get your mind out of the gutter, she noticed something being tossed on the breeze. It was a newspaper page. She picked it out of the air with her other hand, trying to keep one hand clean enough for popcorn, and she shook it open.
"Oh my gosh, A-Chels," she said. "This article says tha
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 8Part Eight: Meanwhile, In the Forbidden Forest (And No, I Did Not Forget About The Quidditch Match, So You Just Hold Your Horses)
The only lifeforms that could possibly have seen Professor Bunny in his alternate form were the giant spiders, and they were too busy tying up their prey. Professor Errol had crash landed into Aragorn's web - Yes, yes, I know that's not the name of the giant spider - and all the little spiders were spitting webbing from their butts in order to immobilize the professor.
In an attempt to rescue himself, Professor Errol began to sing. He sang the Spiderman theme song, which only made the spiders angrier, so he switched songs. Instead, he sang the theme song to "Gilligan's Island." This made the spiders hungry, because they were actually the results of a series of experiments testing to see if spiders can be classically conditioned to affiliate the theme song to "Gillian's Island" with devouring their prey.
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 7Part Seven: A Quidditch Match - Because We Need One
"Welcome to our very first Quidditch match of the season," said Professor Highlander. Professor Bunny nudged him.
"They can't hear you."
Thousands, or possibly even dozens of cheering students filled the stands by the Quidditch field. Normally, this would be known as a Quidditch pitch. There are some strange British words we will adopt, like Quidditch, and some we will not. That is not what "pitch" means, and if you are going to argue with me on this one, I will cast the jellylegs jinx on you.
In the great open air stadium, the sounds of cheering and general chatter swallowed any sound that was not exceedingly amplified. It was like being in Butler's Pantry, except it wasn't unpleasantly warm nor did it smell of turmeric and spinach.
"Ah, that's right," said Professor Highlander. He shook out his wand. "Audios!"
The whining of audio feedback filled th
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 6Part Six: A Plot! It Arrives.
Warning to all children and people of low tolerance for inappropriate happenings: This chapter is rude and offensive and should not be read by anyone. If offended, please contact a lawyer, who will slap you in the face for being a dumbass because you are reading this at your own risk. Muggle discretion is advised.
Night settled in the Slytherin common room. Well, actually, it settled everywhere, but here the focus is in the Slytherin common room.
Halexus lounged in a sinister silver bean bag chair, sharpening her teeth with a bone. Meanwhile, BiologicalCPU played with headless dolls, arranging them in various positions in questionable nature. In a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder, Lithy appeared in the doorway.
"Hey, maggots," she said, to the pool of larval flies that the Slytherins kept as pets. "Hi guys," she said to her fellow students.
"Hi Lithy," said Halexus.
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 5Part Five: An Interruption of the Welcome Feast for One More Introduction
The sounds of a magic wand hitting a glass distracted the students from their noms. They looked up. At least, those that weren't ducking looked up. Those that were ducking were too busy ducking, and they were concerned about the hygiene factor about having owls swoop overhead while they were eating.
"If I may have your attention please - " said Headmaster DJ.
"Silence!" Shouted Drew. For some reason, the Gryffindor prefect held more authority than the Headmaster. Everyone quieted down, except for Jocelyn, who was still crying after finding out that she was in Hufflepuff.
"I would like to introduce the heads of your Houses."
Sunny raised hand, the one that was not presently in the Mittens of Mac versus PC, and she shouted out of turn, "Are they are teachers?"
"Yes," said Headmaster DJ. "They are some of your teachers."
"Are they like our