ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 11Part Eleven: A Gratuitous Scene of Gratuitous ViolenceIn a wing of the castle that was secluded from everywhere else, behind a soundproof glass screen, Professor Bunny wandered around, minding his own business. A strange sound echoed in the distance. Professor Bunny stopped to listen, but when the sound did not repeat itself, he forgot about it.A moment later, he heard the sound much closer. It sounded like a door swinging open. Professor Bunny looked around but saw nothing in the dark room with him. He considered turning into his animal form, so he would have much better hearing and be able to run away faster if need be. The sound of approaching footsteps distracted him from this thought. Then the phone rang."That is strange," said Professor Bunny. "There are no phone inside of Hogwarts."And yet, there on the desk in front of him, lay a phone. The receiver jangled on its base with ev
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 10Part Ten: The TestDeathbot rolled down the hall, AK-47 in hand. It snuck up on Professor Errol, who turned around while it was still taking aim."Oh, no you don't," said Professor Errol. He picked up the deathbot in two hands. The deathbot hummed for a moment, then nibbled on the gun until the entire weapon was crunched into tiny pieces. When Professor Errol was satisfied that the gun would never fire again, he set the little robot back down on the floor. He turned to continue down the hallway, and was shot in the back repeatedly. The gun may never have fired again, but deathbot had learned to spit bullets. It could make them come out of its mouth and one of its nostrils, and it was practicing for other orifices as well. In the meantime, this would have to suffice.A little while later, three Slytherins made their way down the hall. They stepped over the bloody mess that was once Profess
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 9Part Nine: Okay, Now Back To The QuidditchA wind picked, damn near blinding the players as their robes fluttered around. While wondering whose stupid idea it was to ignore the Incredibles' "No capes" rule, the players did their best to keep their eyes on the balls.Heheh. "Balls." When Ashaberry and Iggity were able to get a clear view of the field, they both laid eyes on the same thing at the same time. It the was a tiny golden speck that they were both looking for. It wasn't the Golden Snitch though. It was the popcorn that A-chels and Morbid were sharing.As Morbid reached for a golden buttery handful, get your mind out of the gutter, she noticed something being tossed on the breeze. It was a newspaper page. She picked it out of the air with her other hand, trying to keep one hand clean enough for popcorn, and she shook it open."Oh my gosh, A-Chels," she said. "This article says tha
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 8Part Eight: Meanwhile, In the Forbidden Forest (And No, I Did Not Forget About The Quidditch Match, So You Just Hold Your Horses)The only lifeforms that could possibly have seen Professor Bunny in his alternate form were the giant spiders, and they were too busy tying up their prey. Professor Errol had crash landed into Aragorn's web - Yes, yes, I know that's not the name of the giant spider - and all the little spiders were spitting webbing from their butts in order to immobilize the professor.In an attempt to rescue himself, Professor Errol began to sing. He sang the Spiderman theme song, which only made the spiders angrier, so he switched songs. Instead, he sang the theme song to "Gilligan's Island." This made the spiders hungry, because they were actually the results of a series of experiments testing to see if spiders can be classically conditioned to affiliate the theme song to "Gillian's Island" with devouring their prey.
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 7Part Seven: A Quidditch Match - Because We Need One"Welcome to our very first Quidditch match of the season," said Professor Highlander. Professor Bunny nudged him."What?""They can't hear you."Thousands, or possibly even dozens of cheering students filled the stands by the Quidditch field. Normally, this would be known as a Quidditch pitch. There are some strange British words we will adopt, like Quidditch, and some we will not. That is not what "pitch" means, and if you are going to argue with me on this one, I will cast the jellylegs jinx on you.In the great open air stadium, the sounds of cheering and general chatter swallowed any sound that was not exceedingly amplified. It was like being in Butler's Pantry, except it wasn't unpleasantly warm nor did it smell of turmeric and spinach."Ah, that's right," said Professor Highlander. He shook out his wand. "Audios!"The whining of audio feedback filled th
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 6Part Six: A Plot! It Arrives.Warning to all children and people of low tolerance for inappropriate happenings: This chapter is rude and offensive and should not be read by anyone. If offended, please contact a lawyer, who will slap you in the face for being a dumbass because you are reading this at your own risk. Muggle discretion is advised.Night settled in the Slytherin common room. Well, actually, it settled everywhere, but here the focus is in the Slytherin common room.Halexus lounged in a sinister silver bean bag chair, sharpening her teeth with a bone. Meanwhile, BiologicalCPU played with headless dolls, arranging them in various positions in questionable nature. In a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder, Lithy appeared in the doorway."Hey, maggots," she said, to the pool of larval flies that the Slytherins kept as pets. "Hi guys," she said to her fellow students."Hi Lithy," said Halexus.
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 5Part Five: An Interruption of the Welcome Feast for One More IntroductionThe sounds of a magic wand hitting a glass distracted the students from their noms. They looked up. At least, those that weren't ducking looked up. Those that were ducking were too busy ducking, and they were concerned about the hygiene factor about having owls swoop overhead while they were eating."If I may have your attention please - " said Headmaster DJ."Silence!" Shouted Drew. For some reason, the Gryffindor prefect held more authority than the Headmaster. Everyone quieted down, except for Jocelyn, who was still crying after finding out that she was in Hufflepuff."I would like to introduce the heads of your Houses."Sunny raised hand, the one that was not presently in the Mittens of Mac versus PC, and she shouted out of turn, "Are they are teachers?""Yes," said Headmaster DJ. "They are some of your teachers.""Are they like our
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 4Part Four: The SortingA loud noise rang out, because these Hogwarts students are quite loud. All the kids entered the Great Hall, tripping over one another and jittering with caffeine. The returning students deposited themselves at their assigned tables, while the first years loitered awkwardly in the random coordinates at which they had stopped walking."Um, excuse me?" Asked Jocelyn. "But I cannot find where I am supposed to sit.""Then you're probably not a Hufflepuff," said Quirk. Iggity flailed in agreement."Indeed!" She said. "Hufflepuffs are very good finders."Jocelyn was not the least bit offended. She was very glad indeed that she was not a Hufflepuff. Hufflepuffs are lame.Headmaster DJ took the microphone, which was actually his wand that he had enchanted with the "Audios!" command. That is like the auditory version of the Lumos command, although it sometimes makes Spanish w
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 3Part Three: The Wizard ProfessorsFour long tables sat in the great hall. Candles floated in midair overhead. Far off in the distance, a white spectre flitted around a fifth table. She soared up into the air, up to the ceiling that was enchanted to look like the stars of the night sky. From her mouth came a beautiful sweet song."Lalalalalalaaaaa!"
"Hello, Debs.""Oh, hello, DJ."
Debs, the silvery ghost, looked far down to the floor below, where she saw Headmaster DJ walking in. He was dressed in a wizard's star pattered robes and walked with the presence of someone who knew he was in charge but didn't particularly care."You know that The Welcome Feast is about to begin, right, Debs?" "Of course, Headmaster DJ.""And you remember what you promised last year, right, Debs?" He said as he sat down at the fifth table on the far edge of the Great Hall.Debs sighed a musical sigh and slouched