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ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 16Part Sixteen: Terrible News! Lord Voldemort Has Returned!
The House Champions stood before Headmaster DJ. He paced back and forth in front them, fidgeting with a skull that no one really wanted to ask about. Finally, he turned towards the kids and said, "Kids? I have terrible news! Lord Voldemort has returned."
"Yeah, we knew," said Xander.
"It's in all the newspapers and in the Twitter owls and things," said Halexus.
"FIND!" Said Iggity, and I'm sure she felt justified in doing so.
Headmaster DJ wiped the imaginary sweat of his non-imaginary forehead. He slumped back against his desk and said, "Whew! Well that is a relief. Now I don't have to ruin your lives."
The House Champions looked amongst themselves.
"Dobby dies," said Headmaster DJ
Xander dropped to his knees.
Headmaster DJ pushed them all out the door.
"Okay, well, time to fight Voldemort."
Halexus bit him and pushe
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 15Part Fifteen: The Angthulumoose
A Gryffindor through and through, Drew knew what he had to do. It was the stuff of country songs. Armed with nothing but a letter opener and a striking resemblance to Neil Patrick Harris, he stabbed at the Angthulumoose. However, his arm went right through it and starting being absorbed. Drew knew that this simply was no good. He reached around inside the gelatinous mass and pulled on its central nervous system. The Angthulumoose howled, because Drew had tripped its howling nerve. The Angthulumoose bent down its head and picked Drew up in its antlers. It shook him around with wild aggression, the kind normally reserved for the Jerry Springer show.
"RAWR!" said the Angthulumoose. "I'm going to hurt you."
It stung Drew. But that's okay. That guy heals like Wolverine.
"Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday!"
As soon as Drew b
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 14Part Fourteen: In Search of the Gryffindor Champion (Although I Think I Already Mentioned Who It Is)
Meanwhile, in the Room of Requirement, the House Champions waited with Professor Vicks and Professor Bunny. Halexus took out a bone and began cleaning her teeth with it. She had had some spinach earlier that night, because spinach is green and it totally fits the whole Slytherin motif. Also, picking your teeth with a bone is badass.
The door swung open, and Professor Highlander swept inside. Then he mopped inside. The slime trail of the thing in the net had stuck to his shoes, and he had tracked a terrible mess inside.
"It is done," he said. Professor Vicks and Professor Bunny nodded in affirmation. Meanwhile, Iggity was keeping herself busy by flinging her fedora around the room, and finding it, and shouting about her discovery. It is important to mention at this point that young Iggity is not actua
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 13Part Thirteen: A Chapter of Errol Death
As night fell around the grounds of Hogwarts, and the remaining bits of day had to leap out of the way so as to avoid being hit, a mysterious figure lurked around the perimeter of the Forbidden Forest. It was Professor Errol, but he was wearing a cloak and a skull mask. Not to worry, children; Professor Errol had not become a Death Eater. He was merely wearing the skull mask because was trying to convince Deathbot that he was already dead. He was wearing the cloak because he was a wizard, but if you did not get that, then I will forgive you because I know that this story is painful and tedious and I expect that most people will tune it all out.
At this point, you should also know that Professor Errol was riding on a ride-on lawnmower. The reason for this, is that it is quite difficult to ride on top of a non-ride-on lawnmower. He wanted to be on top of the lawnmower, fo
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 12Part Twelve: Exposition Because I Have Writer's Block And Could Not Be Bothered To Come Up With A Sleeker Way To Do This
When the cloud of soothing peppermint oil dispersed, Xander and Halexus found themselves in an undisclosed location. Halexus wondered if Professor Vicks was plotting to murder them and sell their skins on wizard eBay, but a more upsetting truth soon prevented itself. Professor Bunny stepped out of the shadows. It was kind of his thing by this point.
"Professor Bunny!" said Halexus. "I thought I had killed you."
There was an awkward pause as Professor Bunny cautiously denied this claim. Halexus scrutinized his face to make sure that he was indeed being honest. Meanwhile, Professor Vicks consulted her list to make sure that she was precisely on target. She noticed that she was a good nine seconds ahead of schedule, so she counted to nine and then scribbled something on her list.
"Welcome and c
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 11Part Eleven: A Gratuitous Scene of Gratuitous Violence
In a wing of the castle that was secluded from everywhere else, behind a soundproof glass screen, Professor Bunny wandered around, minding his own business. A strange sound echoed in the distance. Professor Bunny stopped to listen, but when the sound did not repeat itself, he forgot about it.
A moment later, he heard the sound much closer. It sounded like a door swinging open. Professor Bunny looked around but saw nothing in the dark room with him. He considered turning into his animal form, so he would have much better hearing and be able to run away faster if need be. The sound of approaching footsteps distracted him from this thought. Then the phone rang.
"That is strange," said Professor Bunny. "There are no phone inside of Hogwarts."
And yet, there on the desk in front of him, lay a phone. The receiver jangled on its base with ev
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 10Part Ten: The Test
Deathbot rolled down the hall, AK-47 in hand. It snuck up on Professor Errol, who turned around while it was still taking aim.
"Oh, no you don't," said Professor Errol. He picked up the deathbot in two hands. The deathbot hummed for a moment, then nibbled on the gun until the entire weapon was crunched into tiny pieces. When Professor Errol was satisfied that the gun would never fire again, he set the little robot back down on the floor. He turned to continue down the hallway, and was shot in the back repeatedly. The gun may never have fired again, but deathbot had learned to spit bullets. It could make them come out of its mouth and one of its nostrils, and it was practicing for other orifices as well. In the meantime, this would have to suffice.
A little while later, three Slytherins made their way down the hall. They stepped over the bloody mess that was once Profess
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 9Part Nine: Okay, Now Back To The Quidditch
A wind picked, damn near blinding the players as their robes fluttered around. While wondering whose stupid idea it was to ignore the Incredibles' "No capes" rule, the players did their best to keep their eyes on the balls.
When Ashaberry and Iggity were able to get a clear view of the field, they both laid eyes on the same thing at the same time. It the was a tiny golden speck that they were both looking for. It wasn't the Golden Snitch though. It was the popcorn that A-chels and Morbid were sharing.
As Morbid reached for a golden buttery handful, get your mind out of the gutter, she noticed something being tossed on the breeze. It was a newspaper page. She picked it out of the air with her other hand, trying to keep one hand clean enough for popcorn, and she shook it open.
"Oh my gosh, A-Chels," she said. "This article says tha
ToNaNo Hogwarts Part 8Part Eight: Meanwhile, In the Forbidden Forest (And No, I Did Not Forget About The Quidditch Match, So You Just Hold Your Horses)
The only lifeforms that could possibly have seen Professor Bunny in his alternate form were the giant spiders, and they were too busy tying up their prey. Professor Errol had crash landed into Aragorn's web - Yes, yes, I know that's not the name of the giant spider - and all the little spiders were spitting webbing from their butts in order to immobilize the professor.
In an attempt to rescue himself, Professor Errol began to sing. He sang the Spiderman theme song, which only made the spiders angrier, so he switched songs. Instead, he sang the theme song to "Gilligan's Island." This made the spiders hungry, because they were actually the results of a series of experiments testing to see if spiders can be classically conditioned to affiliate the theme song to "Gillian's Island" with devouring their prey.
You Were Not An Aquarium BoySea-glass became your bones,
brine your blood, and seashells
melded into your skin.
You were not quite an ocean
when you said "This is your sign to love me."
My body was like a building;
tall, cold, almost unbreakable.
I was metallic and sharp,
towering over your waters.
I remember taking your hand in mine,
conch and coral shells scrubbing
my skyscraper wrists, and laughing
about how one day you would
submerge every last bit of me.
Your lips, riddled with argonauts,
found my cheek and I cringed
at the coarseness.
You asked if they bothered me
and I finally told you "I
think I love you."
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