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Hi there.  Welcome to Hell.

Aw, come on.  Don’t look at me that way.  I’m not so different from you yourself, don’tcha know?  Haven’t you ever complained about your work hours going on for all eternity and your workplace being absolute hell?  

I notice you’re looking at me like you’re almost disappointed.  What?  Do I not look like the Devil you had in mind?  Did you expect me to have horns and hooves and a tail?  Perhaps a goatee as well?  Excu-u-u-use me, but it’s not exactly a uniform.  I make my own rules, and damn it to hell (so the ball would be in my court), I wear what I like.  Or, take the form I like, if that makes more sense to you.

Come on, let me show you to Registration.  Oh, but I won’t be going in there with you.  I don’t like to deal with secretaries.  Those people are evil.  To tell you the honest truth, they scare the hell out of me.

Or did you not expect me to tell you the honest truth?  Did you not expect me to be an honest guy?  Well, I take quite a bit of personal offense to that, don’tcha know?  Please.  If you want stereotypical - er, archetypical evil - I can introduce you to the Seven Deadly Sins... whenever I find them, that is.  Stupid Seven Deadly Sins.  Always slacking off.  Especially Sloth.  Oh, she’s the worst.  I’m going to give her a piece of my mind... when I find her.  Oh, hell.  They’re probably on Earth again.  I really regret giving them their own place in Las Vegas.

Anyway, here we are.  Registration.  Now, you just sit down in that trebuchet.  For all the time you’ll waste in filling out forms, you’ll make it up in getting where you need to go.  Oh, unless filling out forms is part of your punishment.  If that’s the case, we can set you up right here.  Oh, and this Sunday, there will be a... a sort of little get-together that I’d like you to attend.  I do this every Sunday, as a courtesy to the newbies.  I host a little meet-and-greet so you can get to know your fellow Eternally Damned.  Hmm... maybe I can get those good for nothing Sins to actually show up this time.  Slackers.  But I digress...  Please enjoy your stay in Hell.  And come see me on Sunday!


Oh, hi there.  You’re here early.  Yeah, come in, come in, please.  Make yourself comfortable; there’s a chair by the fire... No, the other fire.  Yes, that fire.  Be-eau-ti-ful.  Have a seat.  Mind the spikes.

Now then, what did you come to see me about?

Me?  You have questions about little old me?  What are you, then, a theologist?  A clergyman?  One of those Satanist wannabes?  Just a curious soul... I see.  I like your type.  You remind me of me in my younger years.  Oh, is that what you wanted to ask me about?  

In answer to your question, no, I’m not really evil.  Why?  Do I look evil to you?  I’m not evil.  All the evil in this universe comes from up there in your world.  There’s no evil in Hell.  We try to make Eternal Damnation as convenient and fun as possible.  We’re a good bunch of guys and gals.  If you want to see evil, you should have looked around a little closer when you were back on Earth.  Every time someone needlessly takes the life of another one of God’s creations - that’s evil.  Every time someone wants to take away the rights of others, and restrict someone else’s freedoms - that’s evil.  Evil is in the gleaming eyes of the Wall Street fat cats and the indoctrinated terrorists and the schoolyard bullies.  But me, evil?  No way, Jose.  I’m just a regular joe like yourself, some schlep with an office job.  Does that answer your question?

It does, doesn’t it.  But once again, you seem surprised.  Well, how about that?  You look pale.  What’s wrong?  Did I just rock the foundations of your universe?  Yeah, I do that.  I can’t help it; I value honesty.  If you wanted to hear a lie instead, you should have asked my secretary.  Or Envy.  Or Greed.  Those two, my fine friend, are liars extraordinaire.

So, if I’m not evil, what am I doing down here?  Well, you know the story.  Back in the day, I was the G-man’s “Teacher’s Pet.”  We had a good thing going, him and me.  But... I noticed some problems with procedure and I simply pointed out that we’d to better to ditch the bureaucracy and maybe loosen up the Holy Hierarchy just a little.  And it wasn’t me alone who thought like that.  I had about ninety percent support from the Cherubim, but when word got up to the boss’s chair, Boom!  I was demoted faster than you can say “Luciferi primo cum sidere frigida rura carpamus, dum mane novum, dum gramina canent.”  I wasn’t always a bad guy, dont’cha know?  In fact, I’m still not.

I’m Lucifer.  The bringer of the first light.  I think for myself.  That’s not evil.  For Hell’s sake, it’s not thinking for yourself that’s evil.  The G-man, blessed be he, cuz we’re all cool now, he gave you a brain.  Use it!  He knew what he was doing when he installed the human CPU.  Don’t go around thinking you’re smarter than him, that you can trick other people into thinking for you.  You have to do the work yourself.  No cheating.  Oh, sure, it’s tempting.  I’ve been to the Earth a few times; I’ve seen temptation.  There are all these nice little premade templates for who you’re supposed to be.  Fashion magazines and sports teams, political parties and supposedly taken-from-life stereotypes.  Even families might try to sway ya.  Who am I kidding?  Especially families.  But don’t take their word for it.  You’ve got a great adaptive software inside yourself.  You can think.  I know the development team that worked hard on that program.  Please don’t let it go to waste.

You ask me again about G?  Oh, it’s true, absolutely, we did have a falling out.  Well, technically, it was yours truly who did most of the falling.  But we’re all cool now.  I understand why he got nervous when I started to shake things up.  He worked hard on putting the universe in order.  I get that he didn’t want somebody to start reorganizing it.  And, by the same token, he gets me.  He gets why I wasn’t cool with the status quo.  And he appreciates my input.  In fact, he appreciated it so much, he made me the head of his new checks-and-balances department.  That’s what I do here in Hell, in case you were wondering.

What, did you think the G-man and I were opposite forces?  Heheheh, let me guess.  You think we’re in an ongoing war for the possession of the universe, with humanity’s fate hanging in the balance, and of course it was adhering your own ideology of preference that could set things right.  Am I right?  Of course I’m right.  I’m always right.  But you, my friend, are very, very wrong.  No offense.  Please.  Allow me to explain.

See, the G-man and his staff in Heaven - Oops, note to self: return Michael’s bowling shoes - Okay, they work to maintain peace in the universe by rewarding people who lived their lives well, and by offering a little guidance along the way.  Well, the G-man himself is very hands-off.  Has been for a long while, and then a couple of millennia ago he turned the company over to his son - now there’s nepotism at its finest, eh?  I earned that job millennia before the kid was even immaculately conceived.  But I digress...

The point is, here in Hell, we do more or less the same thing as the good folks do up there.  The only difference is, we focus a little more on the punishment end of affairs.  But we’re all on the same team, you see.  They reward good.  We punish bad.  But we’re all pulling and pushing in the same direction.  See?  It’s teamwork.  

That’s probably why I’m made out to be the bad guy.  Because I need to rack up some intimidation points.  The universe doesn’t have much use for the god-fearing populations, but a devil-fearing bunch, we can work with.  It all comes down to respect.  We don’t punish even a fraction of the things you humans tell each other you can get in trouble for.  We don’t care if you laze around or skip out on religious services or travel down a particularly hedonistic path.  For Hell’s sake, we purposefully built you with your sensory organs and creativity.  Have fun!  But do it respectfully.  You can go your whole life without ever setting foot in one of G’s many houses, and that’ll be all cool, but don’t you dare go around purposefully squashing bugs or vandalizing property.  For that, you’re mine.  And I do need to put it properly through your head that you need to behave yourself.  Trust me, it’s a lesson that will serve you well in the next life.

You, my friend, are a minor offender, so to speak.  We measure everything on a certain scale, although in my most humble opinion, if you break the Golden Rule, you’re on the wrong path.  But have no fear.  I’m here to set you straight.  Ever hear the proverb, “the road to Hell is paved with good intentions?”  Well, those are my intentions.  And I’m going to teach you that the ant-frying stunt was a terrible use of a magnifying glass.  Don’t worry.  Your time here won’t be too bad.  You almost made it too - learned your lesson in one shot.  What you have to do is have it utterly embedded in your consciousness to respect all living things.  You don’t have to be a treehugger  - we kind of don’t get too many trees or any sort of inflammable wooden objects down here anyway.  But you do have to be aware of your place in the universe, and how you interact with all the lifeforms around you.  And, because you have a conscience, you’ll do it with pride and care.  Not pride as in Pride - where out of Hell did he run off to? - but pride as in being confident in the morality of your actions.      

But, like I said, don’t worry.  You’ll be through this soon enough.  Hey, while we’re waiting for the others to arrive, do you want me to show you around my office?  Sure, why not!

Okay, see this tankard?  Wanna take a guess at what’s in here?  That sticky green liquid is none other than... a soul?  You think it’s a soul?  Heheheh, good, I’m glad the jello mix is convincing.  I’d like to thank the good folks behind the Ghostbusters films for putting that depiction of ectoplasm in everybody’s head.  Nope, there’s nothing spiritual or preternatural about this.  It’s just plain old jello mix, blended with pineapple enzymes so it won’t set.  But I’m glad it convinced you.  You wouldn’t believe how quickly it fooled Rupert Murdoch.  

Yes, that’s right.  He thought he traded his soul for power.  Heheh.  I’m not doing anything to help him.  It’s all an illusion.  But you’d be amazed what people are willing to promise away to get what they want in their current lifetimes.  Foolish humans.  You can’t ask for divine or otherwise paranormal intervention.  All you can do it set a goal, focus on it, and work really hard to achieve it.  If you’re a nice person, you get the bonus of being able to call in a few favours along the way.  But that wasn’t initially part of our system so much as it was the rational human response to kindness and reliability.  And for the record, your soul is yours.  You can’t barter it away, and even if you could, we wouldn’t want it.

Oh, come on!  If I were to offer you my soul right now, what would you do with it?  Fold it up and put it in your pocket?  Maybe put it on a key ring and attach it to the zipper on your backpack?  Well, if you don’t have any use for another person’s soul, why should I?  I’m so sick of that conception.  Some of you creatures - and I’ll admit, not to be speciesist, but it’s usually a human - keep wandering down here, promising me pieces of your person in order to get me to help you with your earthly shenanigans.  But I want nothing to do with it!  I’m not out to help you people make things worse for yourselves.  And I am perfectly aware of the sick things you people get up to, don’tcha know?  With my alleged encouragement, or in the G-man’s name, no less!

Can you please explain to me why you humans think I have a use for bits of you?  Cuz I don’t get it.  And I can’t make use of any parts that you could give me.  Well, maybe Lust could.  And, if you’re grain-fed, then maybe Gluttony.  They’d better show up soon too.  They’re late.  Again.

Ehh, sorry if this is coming down on you personally.  It just really burns my bacon the way some people try to rationalize things.  Be thankful you didn’t see me when the Inquisitors started streaming in.  The things some people do for a supernatural confidence boost.  But as bad as I feel about giving someone their proverbial Magic Hockey Skates, I can make up for it in the punishment.  Lets me be very creative.  For example, once Rupert Murdoch has served out his sentence of being chained in front of a box that will endlessly flash messages insulting his intelligence, I can use him for something else.  I’m thinking... he has to make out with Fred Phelps.  Hmm... Fred Phelps.  Boy, do I have a lot of work to do on him.  Not that I’m not busy with other people already.  I’m just waiting for them both to get here, but in the meantime, I’ve got others.

Like, do you see this?  Ah, don’t be squeamish.  It’s a lovely bouquet.  A lot of the higher-ups from the ancient Roman Empire gave us their fingers in exchange for the gods - that was our old management, check with HQ for any questions about affiliates - to grant them victory in battle.  I didn’t suggest it.  I didn’t ask for it.  I didn’t confirm anything.  They just cut off their fingers.  Anyway, I’m still working on some of the more blood-thirsty of the bunch.

And this - oh, you prolly don’t wanna touch that.  Leave the mousetrap alone.  Never mind that it’s gone off already... It’s got Hitler’s balls in there.  Heheheh, can you believe it?  Psst... the stupid bastard actually gave me one of them as a down payment.  You should have seen the look on his face when I told him... Hahahahahaha!  When I told him... that it didn’t make a difference... and now he’s got all eternity to make it up for all the lives he ruined!  Hahahahaha!

Ohh, man.  Good times.  Well, for me, anyway.  Gotta love those genocide instigators - can you spell “Job Security?”  I do feel bad for the folks up, way up, on the other end.  Lot of humans’ lives got cut short, and 99.9 percent of them are in the good books.  That means Heaven becomes - excuse the expression - Paperwork Hell from time to time.

Hmm... note to self.  Make sure to leave Saddam Hussein’s lips intact.  Needs them to make out with Fred Phelps upon his arrival.  End note.

Okay, where were we?  Ah, yes, the introductory meeting.  Well, I see some people gathering outside.  Time to head out there.  Thanks for the chat, by the way.

Hi, everyone out there in Eternal Damnation land!  I’m Lucifer, but you can call me Sir.  Haha, just kidding.  Lucifer’s fine.  Now you guys haven’t got a thing to worry about.  You’re all only convicted of evil of lesser degrees.  You should be out of here in no time, and on your way to better lives.  Well, onto additional lives.  If you choose to live them better, that’s up to you.  And that is the first thing we’re going to teach you here.  

Now, we’re going to break you up into groups so we can give you all the personal attention you need.  We’re just going to have to wait a few moments for my assistants, the Seven Deadly Sins, to show up.

Well, speak of the devil.  Here they come now.
Agree? Disagree? Inspired?

By the way, the thing about the ancient Roman soldiers and the fingers... I dunno how much truth is in that. But the rest is gold. :p
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varishah Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2010
i love it <3<3<3
CaptainQuirk Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2010
Thank you! :D
silent-warrioress Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2009
HAHA! this is really a peace of art! the theology is seriously messed up but I LOVED your way of writing it and the sarcasm hahaha how the heck did you get the idea for this??? this is like...amazing! =] I wish i had thought of it myself!
CaptainQuirk Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2009
:D Thank you so much. :aww: I'm glad you enjoyed it. :hug:
silent-warrioress Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2009
welcome =]:hug:
emma-poinsettia Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2008
I like it! I am also going to go Google Fred Phelps and Rupert Murdoch, now. . .

I have always pictured/imagined the devil as being very suave, charming, and stylish. He would have to be, to make sinning so appealing. . .
emma-poinsettia Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2008
Any crime against humanity, large or small. I am a staunch believer in the old maxim, "treat others as you wish to be treated." Granted, that is up for interpretation as well, since there are S&M practitioners out there. However, in my mind it comes to mean being kind, relatively tolerant (unless it's toward cruelty or intolerance) and open-minded (just not so open-minded your brain falls out). I know those are all very loose guidelines, but when it comes down to it, there's no real set of bylaws to live. . .well, non-sinfully.
CaptainQuirk Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2008
And how much do you wanna bet those are most people's guidelines. In the worlds of Jon Stewart, "Do the unicorns talk in your world?"

(He interviewed Mike Huckabee - yes, that Mike Huckabee - and it turns out the gap isn't as bad as it looked).
emma-poinsettia Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2008
Let's hope so.
CaptainQuirk Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2008
But what is sinning, I wonder. :D
emma-poinsettia Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2008
That's definitely up for interpretation.
CaptainQuirk Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2008
:3 Indeed.

So, what would you say it is?
venusflytrap614 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2008
Brilliance! There was one specific paragraph beginning with "I'm Lucifer" that would be a very good monologue...

Bah, you tend to think like that when you're a theater minor...
CaptainQuirk Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2008
I did a live reading of part of this. :)

Thanks a lot for the great comment.
venusflytrap614 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2008
Very short but very good. lol
ReinaMirasaki Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
A very nice piece! I don't know whether to agree or disagree, but it's a nice way of putting it. :D
CaptainQuirk Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2008
:D Well, thank you very much and I'm glad you appreciate it.
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