Ke$ha LolitaWake up in the morning feeling like lolitaGrab my headband and I'm looking like one sweet senoritaBefore I leave, brush my teeth, with a cup of teaCuz when I leave for the day, I'm coming back by three.I'm talkingCovered in lace and bows, bowsCollar looks like a rose, roseTrying out another sweet pose, posePour another cup of tea, tea
Pretty to the highest degree, gree
Trying to look a little bit cla-ss-yyyy...This suit'sLooking cuteGot a parasol to bootTodayI'm gon' playTil they take my dolls awayI loveThese white glovesBut when push comes to shove -[random howling][more random howling]Alright, that's okay, so I'm not a lolita,Just another trashy popstar sucking down margaritasAnd though my songs are really crappy, they're what everyone wantsSo this is all you're going to hear at your after hours haunts.I'm talking 'boutSinging 'bout getting plasteredUsing up people fasterSo many tricks I've masteredNa-na, I'm going til I'm out of ideasGoing
The Dear Job LetterDear Job,This isn't working out between us. It's not that you're not wonderful; I just can't see me staying with you for the rest of my life.Each day I go to you faithfully, but every time, I've been dreaming of another. This may be hard to hear, but every time I do you, it's been with false enthusiasm. I am indeed the sort of person who might be married to her work, but I can't commit to you in particular. It's not me; it's you.Although I am grateful to have you through these tough times, please understand that this isn't permanent. You were not my first. You will not be my last. Although I do appreciate and even enjoy the stability of having you in my life, if another opportunity came along I wouldn't hesitate.Yours (but not forever),Tamara
Mary SueI am not a psychic and I don't have a twinAnd I may play a lot of games but I don't always win.I can't use a katana, I can't do magic spellsAnd I am not the offspring of a demon sent from hell.I wish I was a Mary SueThere's so much more that I could doA life of drama, fame, and funAnd always loved by everyoneBut sadly I don't look the roleDon't have the luck to reach my goalIt's sad, it's bad, it's harsh but trueI'll never be a Mary Sue.I'm not from the future, and I'm not from JapanAnd I'm not from a secret European ninja clan.I may have done quite well in school but not best of the batchAnd I can conjure fire but for that I need a match.I wish I was a Mary SueI'd face the world all fresh and newDefy my flaws and be someoneImportant, loved, and just begun.But I cannot be all those thingsAnd as the truth's unravellingIt's clear there's nothing I can doTo win the role of Mary Sue.I'm one hundred percent human, and zero percent catI wish that I were pretty but I'
How To Report The News5. When talking about a local issue, walk through the city while pretending you don't live there.4. In introducing an international news story, you must display a picture of said country's flag, just in case people have no idea what country you are talking about and yet somehow recognize the flag.3. Bombs, gunfire, storms, and earthquakes always "rock" the affected area. There is no other verb permitted.2. All religions should be represented by the single most belligerent and insane person who affiliates themself with said religion.1. If you have to choose between a fact and a pun, go for the pun.